Charles Duhigg was recently promoting his new book Supercommunicators on the Econtalk podcast with Russ Roberts. I listened to it a few weeks ago and was looking at the transcript to jog my memory about why the interview was captivating. Some morsels:
[This] act of connection is actually something that, as humans, we crave--we crave from a neurological perspective. As a result, once we learn a little bit about how the brain processes communication and processes words and listening, then that helps explain why some of those folks, as you pointed out, are the ones that everyone thinks is their best friend. Which again, is probably not possible, but doesn't make it any less true for all the people who say it.
___
[One] of the things that we know is that when we're talking on the phone, people tend to overemphasize their words a little bit more. They tend to highlight their reactions a little bit more strongly--for exactly the reason you just specified, which is: if we can't see each other, you can't see my lips. Sorry, sorry. If we can't see each other, you can't see my lips, and you can't see my expressions. And, in part of my brain, I realize that and I start accommodating it when we're talking to each other on the phone.
___
[S]upercommunicators are probably so good at it is that at some point it has occurred to them, like, 'If I'm talking on the phone, I might want to behave a little bit differently than if I'm talking face to face.' Once they decided, made that decision, it just became a habit and they stopped thinking about it. So, they're not even aware that they're doing it now. But it's something that they probably practiced at some point--again, just half an inch more deeply than other people. And as a result, it's become this really powerful tool.
___
[When] phones first became popular, there were all these articles that appeared saying people will never be able to have real conversations on a telephone. Right? The fact that you can't see each other--it's going to be useful for, you know, like, sending grocery lists or stock trades, but no oneis ever going to have a real conversation on the telephone.
What's really interesting is, there were some researchers who actually listened in to telephone conversations and they would transcribe them. And those people were exactly right: nobody was having real conversations on the phone. They did not know how to do it. They had not learned this kind of almost unconscious new rules for this mode of communication.
___
Look, what we've learned in the last decade about communication is that we tend to think of a discussion as being about one thing. But, in fact, every discussion is made up of multiple different kinds of conversations. And, in general, they fall into one of three big buckets. There's these practical conversations where we're trying to make plans or solve problems. Then there's emotional conversations where I might bring up a problem and I don't want you to solve that problem for me. I want you to empathize. I want you to be there emotionally for me. And then, there's social conversations which are about how we relate to each other and how we relate to society, and others relate to us.
___
And so on. If the podcast conversation was indicative of the book, the book could be quite the entertainment, stuffed with interesting observations and insights, including tips on how to be a better communicator.
I have to say that the ladies at the driver's license office made the best of a bad situation, particularly noteworthy in that I think it is a regular occurrence. The folks waiting behaved like decent human beings as well.
Perhaps the two responses are related...
Gonna be one of those days. They came to install the new oven. They removed the old one, only to find the new is too small to attach to the cabinet walls. They left with the old oven.
It's going to be an adventure.